When it comes to matters of the heart I am very guarded. Some refer to it as a Wall, others refer to it as rigid boundaries. Most refer to it as being a cold-hearted bitch… and I own that. For a long time I was fine with that. If I keep everyone away from me, no one can hurt me. Even though I know that if I do not let people in, no one can love me either. No one can see who I really am behind the mask I put on to appear tough and unbothered.
I push people away, that is what I do best. Even when I really really want them to stay, I push them away because that is all I know. God I get so nervous when I think someone might get close to my heart that I literally go into a panic state. Where I need to remind myself to breathe and that is probably when I will push the hardest… Say things that I do not mean at all.
I’m always one to try and inspire people with my positive bullshit, but when it comes to real things in my real life I just fuck up completely. I need to confess I have no fucking idea what I’m doing… I look at where I am and where everyone else is and it scares me to death that I have no idea what I’m doing. I try to comfort myself with “You are in your own time zone… no rush”, but come on! At some point this shit needs to end.
I honestly feel like I need to have this little talk with myself (Sounds a little crazy I know) but we all sometimes need to have a little talk with the person in the mirror. Do some introspection as my stepdad would say.
Being behind your little wall is safe and comfy, you keep out all the monsters, you keep out all the hurt, all the lies, all the possible betrayal, because you’ve had all of it. Being in your own little prison protects you from falling in love. Now don’t get me wrong, love is wonderful, it makes you feel great… Love is the closest thing we have to heaven. But loving the wrong person hurts like hell.
I guess that’s why you need the wall up, to make sure you never love the wrong person again, to make sure that no one could ever rip your whole world apart and make you want to die because you are not enough… the only problem with this is how do you know that the person trying to get in is the wrong person? Chances are you are going to lose the love of your life without even knowing it.
Honey, life is what it is. You need to let go of everything holding you back, you need to leave the bad memories behind. All the thoughts creeping in to remind you that you are not enough needs to be put to sleep. I know it’s very hard when this is all you’ve ever known. But sometimes you need to fly in and save yourself. Remember the good parts too, remember the people who never made you feel worthless because they have always been right there.
You are a good person, with a good heart, you love people, you always try to see the positive side of everything. You need to set that person free. You need to let people see her, not everyone in your life is going to stay, but the ones who do… those are the ones you keep in your heart. Life will not always be rainbows and butterflies, it’s a roller-coaster of ups and downs.
If you want to arrive at the place you were destined to be…
…You need to be present for the journey.